"How to handle the average abduction"

by Legolas Thranduilion, Prince of Mirkwood

1. The importance of looking dashingly handsome in even the most stressful situation
2. Bound riding for beginners
3. The ten most important conversations everybody should have with their kidnappers
4. How to get the evil maniac to share his nefarious plans
5. How to convince the daughter/wife/niece/cousin/sister of the evil maniac to fall madly in love with you and help you escape
6. How to convince the henchmen to help you escape. Convincing them to fall madly in love with you is only a last resort
7. What tools to bring: spoon, brush, hairpin, small hidden knife, candle, paper and pen to make a map
8. The transportation devices every self-respecting abductologist should know and how to use them during an escape
9. The most effective methods of surviving the inevitable reunion with your father
10. Top ten excuses for having been abducted in the first place